October is right around the corner, so I have started making my Halloween costume and collecting donations for the MS Ride '08. The ride is on October 5th. Last year I was very lame with my collections so I am stepping it up a notch.
It is also a little more poignant this year because Sheldon Brown passed in February. Sheldon Brown was an online bicycle guru that wrote essays and 'how to' articles on everything from touring Europe on two wheels, to explaining what a 'spline' was. His writing was extremely helpful, very funny and made you feel like you were getting advice from a well informed friend. He was diagnosed with MS in the waning years of his life and wrote this little essay about it that captures the tone of his personality.
I will be doing the 100 mile ride up through Congers, NY which is actually a real pain after you get out of Manhattan. The hills in the Palisades don't let you forget. After last year, I laid down at home, closed my eyes and felt like I was still on my bike pedaling uphill. So it was more like 115 miles.
If you feel like donating you can go to this site and do it all online!
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=251540&supid=102798221
8/19/2008
The Hidden Beach at Jacob Ris
Cliff called. He said there was a ride today. He said I would not be alone. He said he had a mess of papers he had to sort out. He said he was up till three in the morning working on some data file. He said Dome Lady and Manray would be there.
I said OK. I would be there at 11:30AM. I said I would make some breakfast first. I didn't even chop the garlic. I just smashed it with the knife. The garlic went in a hot pan of olive oil. The smell filled the apartment. It was almost enough.
It was a quarter to 11:00AM. It was ten till 11:00AM. It was five till 11:00AM. It was going to be alright. I took the Panasonic down. It is a fast bike. It had a flat. I put the Panasonic back. I would settle for the Fuji Touring Series Four IV. Nobody is losing sleep over this bike but I like it.
I moved through the traffic on autopilot. Greenpoint Avenue past the water plant. The water plant smelled like shit. I weaved through Mini-van mitzvah tanks on Kent Ave. Flushing was nothing. I was water. I was there, it was 11:18AM. I was a God.
Cliff said come in. I sat on the couch. Cliff got a call. Cliff moved some data. Cliff made some coffee. Cliff gave me a cup. Cliff is a good person.
Another call. Later another call. It was Dome Lady. They were at the Park and ready to ride. It was Noon. Cliff was not ready. Cliff sent me to stall.
We said hello. I was lost in my Godliness. No one must know I am a God. Manray said he impregnated three women that morning. I said good job. I moved away. Manray said with his eyes. I moved away again.
I looked at their bicycles. Dome lady on a Panasoic DX-3000, Manray on a Surly Cross-check, I talked about bicycles. I know nothing about bicycles. We talked about helmets. My helmet is cool.
Cliff arrived. We discussed directions. Manray had the map. I decided Manray was Mapray and I would follow him. GPS Lady is not around. She got dumped. We went through the park. I talked more about bicycles. I still know nothing about bicycles.
We stopped at a light. Cliff was a Jack Rabbit.
We headed East. Past Canarsie Jack Rabbit thought we were going the wrong way. I got turned around. North was South, East was West. The Manhattan skyline was on the left. Mapray knew where to go. He was a fucking landshark.
We stopped somewhere. Jack Rabbit got me Orbitz. A bird shat on Dome Lady's head. There were people there. They laughed at Dome Lady. Dome Lady laughed. They laughed at the bird shit. But not mean. Everybody drank water. Mapray bunged the bags.
Jack Rabbit thought we were going the wrong way. We followed Mapray. The bridge was down. Took the free Golden Coach across the bridge to Broad Channel McDonald's' parking lot. Dome lady took some pictures. Manray bunged the bags.
Jack Rabbit yelled make a left. I yelled follow Mapray asshole. Mapray went left. We went left. We road on the boardwalk. The map said no bikes on Rockaway Beach Boardwalk. We said fuck the map.
Stopped at the grease pit. Jack Rabbit brought out the plate of corporate bar food. Cliff is a good man. It was devoured. Cliff finds my gum under the plate. We still want more. I borrow $20 from Cliff.
Cheezeburger, cheezedog, cheeze fries, cheeze coke, cheeze beer, cheeze cheeze. Mapray Bunged the bags. I said fuck. I said I left my bag at the grease pit.
We headed West. On the conrete sidewalk. Dome Lady pointed out the Empire State Building. We were on the 34th St extension. Jack Rabbit took off like a jack rabbit. He took a left into a bush. We followed Jack Rabbit. It was not a bush. It was a concrete path. It looked post-apocalyptic. It looked cool.
That was the road to the Hidden Beach at Jacob Ris.
Dome lady and I wore our suits. Jack Rabbit and Manray were like flashdancers. Manray said he hated gyms. I said why. He said he had athletes dick. He said athletes dick is when your dick touches an athletes dick and becomes a long black dick. He has some fucked up ideas about gyms.
We swam at the hidden beach. The water was incredible. I said a prayer for Michael Phelps so that he might obtain his eighth Olympic gold medal. Dome lady did the Australian crawl. We discussed survival strategies.
When you are in a riptide, do not swim towards shore. Swim parallel to the shore until you are out of the riptide. Then swim towards shore. Fat people float better. Become fat.
We raced back to the shore. I was a God. Manray offered sunblock. Cliff offered plums. Dome lady offered to take a picture. I offered dental floss. Nobody wanted to floss.
To reduce the public aversion to dental floss I made a garbage bag kite using dental floss as the kite string. It flew aproximately three and a half feet above ground. Manray bunged the bags.
Dome Lady wrote a song for Manray:
(Bootsy Collins)
Put the back
Pack
On the rack
Put the back pack on the rack
(Backing girl chorus)
Do that bungee thang
and make the thang twange
(Bootsy Collins)
Put the back
Pack
On the rack
Put the back pack on the rack
Manray couldn't outrun his top gear. Manray outran my top gear. I stopped at the best water fountain in Prospect Park. The best water fountain anywhere. The water was cool. The water was free. The water was America.
Dome Lady and Jack Rabbit were picking their teeth at the plaza. I still don't know how they got their first. It was a good ride.
I said OK. I would be there at 11:30AM. I said I would make some breakfast first. I didn't even chop the garlic. I just smashed it with the knife. The garlic went in a hot pan of olive oil. The smell filled the apartment. It was almost enough.
It was a quarter to 11:00AM. It was ten till 11:00AM. It was five till 11:00AM. It was going to be alright. I took the Panasonic down. It is a fast bike. It had a flat. I put the Panasonic back. I would settle for the Fuji Touring Series Four IV. Nobody is losing sleep over this bike but I like it.
I moved through the traffic on autopilot. Greenpoint Avenue past the water plant. The water plant smelled like shit. I weaved through Mini-van mitzvah tanks on Kent Ave. Flushing was nothing. I was water. I was there, it was 11:18AM. I was a God.
Cliff said come in. I sat on the couch. Cliff got a call. Cliff moved some data. Cliff made some coffee. Cliff gave me a cup. Cliff is a good person.
Another call. Later another call. It was Dome Lady. They were at the Park and ready to ride. It was Noon. Cliff was not ready. Cliff sent me to stall.
We said hello. I was lost in my Godliness. No one must know I am a God. Manray said he impregnated three women that morning. I said good job. I moved away. Manray said with his eyes. I moved away again.
I looked at their bicycles. Dome lady on a Panasoic DX-3000, Manray on a Surly Cross-check, I talked about bicycles. I know nothing about bicycles. We talked about helmets. My helmet is cool.
Cliff arrived. We discussed directions. Manray had the map. I decided Manray was Mapray and I would follow him. GPS Lady is not around. She got dumped. We went through the park. I talked more about bicycles. I still know nothing about bicycles.
We stopped at a light. Cliff was a Jack Rabbit.
We headed East. Past Canarsie Jack Rabbit thought we were going the wrong way. I got turned around. North was South, East was West. The Manhattan skyline was on the left. Mapray knew where to go. He was a fucking landshark.
We stopped somewhere. Jack Rabbit got me Orbitz. A bird shat on Dome Lady's head. There were people there. They laughed at Dome Lady. Dome Lady laughed. They laughed at the bird shit. But not mean. Everybody drank water. Mapray bunged the bags.
Jack Rabbit thought we were going the wrong way. We followed Mapray. The bridge was down. Took the free Golden Coach across the bridge to Broad Channel McDonald's' parking lot. Dome lady took some pictures. Manray bunged the bags.
Jack Rabbit yelled make a left. I yelled follow Mapray asshole. Mapray went left. We went left. We road on the boardwalk. The map said no bikes on Rockaway Beach Boardwalk. We said fuck the map.
Stopped at the grease pit. Jack Rabbit brought out the plate of corporate bar food. Cliff is a good man. It was devoured. Cliff finds my gum under the plate. We still want more. I borrow $20 from Cliff.
Cheezeburger, cheezedog, cheeze fries, cheeze coke, cheeze beer, cheeze cheeze. Mapray Bunged the bags. I said fuck. I said I left my bag at the grease pit.
We headed West. On the conrete sidewalk. Dome Lady pointed out the Empire State Building. We were on the 34th St extension. Jack Rabbit took off like a jack rabbit. He took a left into a bush. We followed Jack Rabbit. It was not a bush. It was a concrete path. It looked post-apocalyptic. It looked cool.
That was the road to the Hidden Beach at Jacob Ris.
Dome lady and I wore our suits. Jack Rabbit and Manray were like flashdancers. Manray said he hated gyms. I said why. He said he had athletes dick. He said athletes dick is when your dick touches an athletes dick and becomes a long black dick. He has some fucked up ideas about gyms.
We swam at the hidden beach. The water was incredible. I said a prayer for Michael Phelps so that he might obtain his eighth Olympic gold medal. Dome lady did the Australian crawl. We discussed survival strategies.
When you are in a riptide, do not swim towards shore. Swim parallel to the shore until you are out of the riptide. Then swim towards shore. Fat people float better. Become fat.
We raced back to the shore. I was a God. Manray offered sunblock. Cliff offered plums. Dome lady offered to take a picture. I offered dental floss. Nobody wanted to floss.
To reduce the public aversion to dental floss I made a garbage bag kite using dental floss as the kite string. It flew aproximately three and a half feet above ground. Manray bunged the bags.
Dome Lady wrote a song for Manray:
(Bootsy Collins)
Put the back
Pack
On the rack
Put the back pack on the rack
(Backing girl chorus)
Do that bungee thang
and make the thang twange
(Bootsy Collins)
Put the back
Pack
On the rack
Put the back pack on the rack
Manray couldn't outrun his top gear. Manray outran my top gear. I stopped at the best water fountain in Prospect Park. The best water fountain anywhere. The water was cool. The water was free. The water was America.
Dome Lady and Jack Rabbit were picking their teeth at the plaza. I still don't know how they got their first. It was a good ride.
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